For centuries, mankind has wondered, “Where do gay people come from? How do they get so gay? And why?”

Most importantly, how are they turning so many other people gay?

How do you explain gay doctors turning children gay?

Or Lady Gaga turning the world gay?

Or how Glee turns kids gay with all their gayness?

And even why soy makes people gay?

I mean, the idea that gay people just exist is ridiculous. Something must be turning them gay, and it’s our job as totally straight people to find out what, and stop them (because their gayness is affecting us, somehow)!

Well I’ve found out their dirty little gay secret.

Gay people are wizards.

We're on to you, Elton.

Think about it: There’s literally no other explanation to why normal, straight, proud-to-be-an-American parents would produce a heathen gay child unless a gay wizard did it. It just makes sense, you know?

Gay wizards use their magical gay powers to blend in with the rest of society and take on roles such as doctors, liberals, and hair dressers, and then when you blink – zaaaap! – they tap your kid with the homowand and poof, there goes your grandchildren.

I know this may be shocking to some of you, but us ‘homophobes’ (or wizardphobes) have known something was up for years. Why else would we keep bringing up scary gay things that could cause your kid to be gay?

Now, if only I could figure out where gay wizards come from.