Are you tired of having awesome first dates? Sick of being told you’re going to have to go on a second date? Fear not -I have the answer for you with The Ultimate Guide To Being A Terrible First Date!
Note – Guide is gender neutral. Customize it to your talents and skills!
Step 1: The Asking
Firstly, you must ask someone on a date. Make sure you are super enthusiastic, charming, and all-around awesome. This will generate hopes and dreams that you can later crush.
Step 2: The Crushing
The day of the date, ignore all texts and calls from your date. When they call an hour after the date has started asking why you aren’t there, casually say you forgot. After they hang up on you, text them sweet nothings that will ultimately woo them into another date.
Step 3: Go to Chili’s
One might argue that McDonald’s or a basement is the worst place for a date, but no, it is Chili’s. Chili’s is to restaurants as RoseArt brand is to crayons. It’s pretty shitty, everyone knows it, yet our mom always takes you there/buys you them anyway. No one in the history of time has ever left a Chili’s feeling good about themselves and their life choices. Fact.
Step 4: Do anything from Neil Strauss’ “The Game”
If you haven’t read “The Game“, it is basically Creepin 101. Insult your date (in hopes they will be so driven to prove themselves to you they’ll rip off their clothes). Bite the inside of their elbows. Wear an eyepatch. Wear a large hat with a feather. Wear a parrot on your shoulder. Just go the whole nine yards and dress like a pirate okay?
Step 5: Get really drunk and make them take you home
No easier way to get someone to come home with you than through moral obligation to keep you from drunk driving! Thanks MADD.
Step 6: Offer for them to come inside and drink whiskey on the balcony with you and your mom.
Also, the whiskey was stolen from a drug dealer’s apartment. True story.
Step 7: Run into your date weeks later and embarrass them.
This can be done easily by saying, “Want to ride the roller coaster again baby?” and gyrating your hips. Works for both genders. Use liberally.
Based on a trueish story. Like Balto.