The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show and Why Twitter Makes Me Sad

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Tonight is the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, a widely anticipated event filled with glitter, feathers, insanely padded bras, and the celebration of all dainty clothing usually reserved for after midnight.

I saw in the afternoon today that “VS Fashion Show” was trending on Twitter and eagerly clicked it because I am easily distracted at work. What I came across made me, well, sad.

Half the feed was filled with young girls tweeting about wanting to throw up, being fat and ugly, hating their eating habits, and wishing to look like the models.

The other half was both men and women calling the VS models everything from “not real women” to “skeletons in bras” to “ugly ass bitches”.

I know, I know, Twitter isn’t exactly the peek of human kindness/intelligence/sensibility – but come ON. This is a perfect example of why body issues exist and how we as a society perpetrate them on both ends every day.

“But Tegan! Are you saying we just shouldn’t talk about people’s bodies?”

I’m saying YES SHUT UP ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE’S BODIES IT’S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS. Saying, “She looks too skinny she should eat a burger” is not a nice discussion about healthy body weight – it’s passing judgement on someone and proclaiming them not up to your standards. It’s none of your concern how many burgers Heidi Klum has consumed!

And ladies on Twitter feeling fat – stop. Yeah we all feel fat once in awhile and go “damn I wish I had those abs” but proclaiming that you won’t eat because a skinny woman is on TV isn’t healthy or normal. Would you say it to your younger sister? No? Then don’t say it on Twitter and continue the body shaming. Shaming your own body just makes other people think its okay to shame your body too.

If you’re feeling unsure about your weight, talk to your doctor. Talk about health plans and nutritional ways to improve your diet. Don’t tell Twitter you’re going to puke all night because some lady on TV covered in glitter has a flat stomach. It’s not worth making yourself feel bad. Good people love you for who you are, not what you look like.


Aaaand before you go, why don’t you check out these scary statistics about body image, eating disorders, and the media’s influence? Or if you don’t like to read, here’s XoJane’s “Real Belly Project” that shows stomachs of all shapes, sizes, and colours and will make you feel all warm and fuzzy and self-satisfied inside!

The Guide To Being The Worst First Date Ever

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Are you tired of having awesome first dates? Sick of being told you’re going to have to go on a second date? Fear not -I have the answer for you with The Ultimate Guide To Being A Terrible First Date!

Note – Guide is gender neutral. Customize it to your talents and skills!


Step 1: The Asking
Firstly, you must ask someone on a date. Make sure you are super enthusiastic, charming, and all-around awesome. This will generate hopes and dreams that you can later crush.

Step 2: The Crushing
The day of the date, ignore all texts and calls from your date. When they call an hour after the date has started asking why you aren’t there, casually say you forgot. After they hang up on you, text them sweet nothings that will ultimately woo them into another date.

Step 3: Go to Chili’s
One might argue that McDonald’s or a basement is the worst place for a date, but no, it is Chili’s. Chili’s is to restaurants as RoseArt brand is to crayons. It’s pretty shitty, everyone knows it, yet our mom always takes you there/buys you them anyway. No one in the history of time has ever left a Chili’s feeling good about themselves and their life choices. Fact.

Step 4: Do anything from Neil Strauss’ “The Game”
If you haven’t read “The Game“, it is basically Creepin 101. Insult your date (in hopes they will be so driven to prove themselves to you they’ll rip off their clothes). Bite the inside of their elbows. Wear an eyepatch. Wear a large hat with a feather. Wear a parrot on your shoulder. Just go the whole nine yards and dress like a pirate okay?

Step 5: Get really drunk and make them take you home
No easier way to get someone to come home with you than through moral obligation to keep you from drunk driving! Thanks MADD.

Step 6: Offer for them to come inside and drink whiskey on the balcony with you and your mom.
Also, the whiskey was stolen from a drug dealer’s apartment. True story.

Step 7: Run into your date weeks later and embarrass them.
This can be done easily by saying, “Want to ride the roller coaster again baby?” and gyrating your hips. Works for both genders. Use liberally.

 

Based on a trueish story. Like Balto.

Real Motivational Posters

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I am tired of the artsy “you go girl!” motivational posters. “love life! eat cupcakes!”, “PUT GLITTER ON EVERYTHING” and “Be kind ~~~ <3″… How boring. This doesn’t motivate me. I don’t even like cupcakes!

I’ve collected a few actually motivating posters from around the web (most are from Pinterest and Wordboner. If you can attribute the other’s sources, please let me know in the comments). Why? Because goddamnit, if I have to look at a piece of paper on my wall to be motivated in life, I want it to be an awesome piece of paper.

My favourite. Keeping calm never got any one any where, right?

I will drink caffeine at 9pm if I want! #RageAgainstTheMachine

 

I may sometimes respond to this poster with, "SHUT UP. I WILL BITCH TILL MY HEART IS CONTENT" but in the end I know it's true.

 

Oh, alright motivational poster, you got me.

 

Why yes, the last two do fit well together.

Follow me on Twitter & Facebook for more words/posters of wisdom.

20 Reasons Pizza is Better Than a Relationship

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  1. Pizza will go out or stay in with you anytime, anywhere.
  2. If you take a break from pizza, you know it will be just as delicious (and untouched) as you left it.
  3. Pizza tastes great the morning after.
  4. Pizza always has a co-oven-buddy you can hook your friends up with.
  5. Pizza doesn’t care if you taste a few other pizzas when you get bored with it.
  6. Unlike sex, pizza is good hot and cold.
  7. Pizza doesn’t mind any extra weight you put on, and encourages you to keep eating.
  8. Pizza will change to fit your tastes.
  9. Pizza doesn’t mind if you invite the girls over last minute for drinks and Sex and the City marathons.
  10. The more, the merrier.
  11. Obesity is a tasty disease, unlike gonorrhea.
  12. If you get tired of pizza, you can throw it away without feeling bad.
  13. Pizza is always willing to experiment.
  14. The only time pizza leaves you waiting is when the delivery person gets stuck in traffic.
  15. Pizza burns you on accident only.
  16. Pizza doesn’t need a morning-after pill if things get messy.
  17. You can always bring pizza to your parent’s house.
  18. There’s always another pizza waiting to be with you when you’re done with one.
  19. Paying for pizza is totally socially acceptable.
  20. Pizza will sit next to you and please you all night while you play the Sims 3 while wearing sweatpants.

Brought to you by Tegan and The Hating Expert.

Republicans & Gay Rights: You’re Doing It Wrong

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Question: If you beat a man every day, and then every once in a while say his hair looks nice, do you think he will like you?

Answer: No, because that is a stupid thing to think.

I guess a few Republicans don’t realize this.

Three Republican Congressman have made “It Gets Better” videos for gay youth. For those not in the know, the It Gets Better videos are vlogs encouraging gay youth to continue fighting for their rights and standing up against prejudice, and though things are hard now, they will get better. These began at the height of teenage suicides brought on by bullying.

For some reason, three right wing dudes decided it would be a good idea to shove their  over-privileged faces into an IGB video to – I don’t fucking know – seem compassionate? Complete a dare? Win a bet? Make asses of themselves?

Look guys, no one is going to crack a smile and say, “Aw, ya know those 3 have voted for DOMA and DADT, but shucks, they really do care about me”. No one on this planet is dumb enough to watch this video and think these guys give a shit about the well-being of homosexual youth.

When you literally hold the power to push for real change that would ACTUALLY bring equality to homosexuals, and then consistently deny them that equality, YOU ARE ANTI-GAY VOTING REPUBLICANS. Making a video telling them, “Hey it gets better, but not while I’m around because I’m going to keep voting against your rights!” is a mockery and insulting.

Yeah, you probably don’t want kids offing themselves – who does? I don’t question that these 3 didn’t have the intent to offer a good message (okay, maybe I do question it a bit), but it’s a slap in the face to say that they want these kids to be happier, but then go to work and vote against giving them the right to marry their loved ones.

No one trusts a wolf in sheep’s clothing…and I sure don’t trust anti-gay voting Republicans to do a damn thing to make sure it actually does get better.

Disagree? Rant at me on Twitter or Facebook.

This Just In: Gay People Are Wizards

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For centuries, mankind has wondered, “Where do gay people come from? How do they get so gay? And why?”

Most importantly, how are they turning so many other people gay?

How do you explain gay doctors turning children gay?

Or Lady Gaga turning the world gay?

Or how Glee turns kids gay with all their gayness?

And even why soy makes people gay?

I mean, the idea that gay people just exist is ridiculous. Something must be turning them gay, and it’s our job as totally straight people to find out what, and stop them (because their gayness is affecting us, somehow)!

Well I’ve found out their dirty little gay secret.

Gay people are wizards.

We're on to you, Elton.

Think about it: There’s literally no other explanation to why normal, straight, proud-to-be-an-American parents would produce a heathen gay child unless a gay wizard did it. It just makes sense, you know?

Gay wizards use their magical gay powers to blend in with the rest of society and take on roles such as doctors, liberals, and hair dressers, and then when you blink – zaaaap! – they tap your kid with the homowand and poof, there goes your grandchildren.

I know this may be shocking to some of you, but us ‘homophobes’ (or wizardphobes) have known something was up for years. Why else would we keep bringing up scary gay things that could cause your kid to be gay?

Now, if only I could figure out where gay wizards come from.

 

 

Mississippi: “The best way to solve all our problems is to take away birth control.”

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Mississippi sure knows how to solve a problem!

They have the highest poverty rate in all of North America.

They have the highest rate of childhood obesity.

They have the 8th highest rate of HIV/AIDS in the country.

And their shining crown of glory – the highest rate of teen pregnancy births in the country.

It’s a recession, people are out of work, fed up with wars, lack of resources, and fickle government. They’re getting knocked up all over the damn place and then feeding their children crappy food because nutrition education is lacking.

NEVER FEAR! yells a bunch of batshit insane ultra conservatives, WE HAVE THE ANSWER!

The answer to solve your most pressing problems of poverty, obesity, HIV, and teen pregnancy…

At last, something that focuses on the hard hitting problems that effect everyone: what is happening with someone else’s body.

Mississippi’s Amendment 26 looks to create a “protection of personhood for anyone of any developmental stage” meaning some sperm that’s wigglin’ it’s way in to an egg (or before, because conception is like fertilization, and pregnancy is a punishment for sex).

The poorly written, holier-than-though, white-top-class-privilege-denying load of shit defines personhood as beginning at fertilization or “the functional equivalent there of”, meaning the pill, Plan B, IUDs, the patch or anything that equals conception.

But that’s not a big deal, because sex is for procreation only which is why it’s a public matter and not pleasurable or natural, and therefor unneeded.

Also it solves the state’s problems, which was what again? Oh yeah, abortions and stuff. Priorities!

Mississippi readers, vote no on Amendment 26 so that rape and incest victims, those who enjoy sex, those looking to in vitro-fertilization, those who are married and don’t want more kids, those who cannot afford more children, and the common person don’t have to have their body and actions regulated by the government.

UPDATE: It didn’t pass, hoorah hoorah! While this is just a small victory (the amendment is going up in other states), it is still a big step! Keep fighting, uterus-defender!

 

An Open Letter To Cosmo

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Dear Cosmo,

I understand the print journalism industry is slowly dieing, and you’re unable to get any relevant celebrities to do your covers so you’ve resorted to people like Megan Fox and Kim Kardashian.  I understand you cater to a crowd of barely-18 year old girls who desperately want to enjoy giving blow jobs to their new fraternity boyfriends. And I also understand that your staff probably consists of 12 middle-aged women who still think wearing leopard print is sexy. However despite all this, I have come to the decision that I have to stop reading you.

Dearest Cosmo, our relationship began when I was a mere 16 years old. Terrible haircuts and no knowledge of make-up carried me to you, and within months I had some basic knowledge of how to not look gross. But as the years went on, I discovered your terrible secret: every single issue of Cosmo is stupid.

At first I appreciated the wacky oh-so-embarrassing stories from readers and the real-life tips to be safe at bars and clubs. But slowly, the good parts began shrinking. Instead of a full length feature on why tanning in a booth is like swallowing gasoline, I got 12 extra pages on how to please my man. Instead of inspirational stories from strong women, I got a picture of a skinny model using underwear to tie her hair back as she goes down for a blow job. Really Cosmo? Really?

The last issue I bought, November 2009, was 236 pages. About 50 of those were ads for perfume. Another 50 were dedicated to copy-and-paste ‘articles’ ranging from clothes that are too expensive for any middle-class girl to buy, to lists of the hottest cops on TV shows. The rest of the pages were mostly pictures of men without shirts and models that look 14 years old.

Where are my self-improvement, self-empowerment pages? Where are the real life fashion and style tips? Where are the sex tips that don’t consist of ‘rub his penis till he leaves you alone and lets you sleep‘? Oh Cosmo…

It’s not me, it’s you. It’s you and your fake journalism. You and your 5 entire pages of boots that cost more than my paycheck. You and your habit of recycling articles by rearranging the words in the title. Take a hike, Cosmo.

Sincerely,

Tegan

Welcome – Here’s My Life Story

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Welcome!

Some of you may be from The Sangfroid, or my old college, or from Googling “naked pictures of Katy Perry” (hint: one of those groups is going to be especially disappointed), but in any case: here’s my life story!

When I was 6 months old, my parents threw me in a dumpster and I landed on crack pipe. Things only went up from there.

20-some years later I’m working a corporate job, driving a fuel-efficient goofy looking car, and realizing that my Skinny Genes will eventually wear out. I’m a vegetarian left-leaning feminist which means I’m generally disliked, but you can buy me a drink anyway.

I’ve (re)started blogging to chronicle my life, because there’s honestly too much weird crap out there not to write about it all.

Hope you enjoy. You can contact me at @Tegasaurusrex or by email. Ciao, bitches.